I thought I had given up on journaling after an absence of over one month. But today I was compelled to recommit myself. Partially, I was inspired by a very good friend who recently made a comeback in her ambitions. But I was also motivated by my own failings.
The possibility of alchemizing my pain and fears into something creative or spiritually fulfilling has always been a desire of mine. You could say that this is one instance where I am making a concerted attempt. But what are these “failings,” you ask?
Simply put, my existential indecision, or my inability to resolutely choose a direction for my life. I’ve been stuck in a purgatory between all the choices I envision myself making. This could be a decision to boldly throw my energy into creative endeavors such as writing. Or it could be something as simple as just tightening my belt and getting a job.
You see, I am eternally torn between the path I feel I should take versus the misty and dim desires of my heart. Melodrama aside, the friction is real. But the conflict resides entirely within my head. The nonexistent external pressure I perceive is simply a projection of my own fears. Overall, this has led to a sort of paralysis in my professional and social life.
I’m not where I feel I should be, despite bravely giving therapy a second chance and returning to school after five years. The fact that I’m 25 years of age and still living in my mom’s basement is a serious confidence killer. And it doesn’t help that my ever-developing spiritual insights are seemingly totally at odds with everything society represents.
But alas, this is the hand I’ve been dealt. I obviously live a very privileged life if my biggest stressors are abstract existential dilemmas. You would be right in saying that I just need to DO something or HELP someone. I firmly believe that with great privilege comes great responsibility, and this is the North Star I’ve been increasingly pursuing.
With that thought in mind, I am recommitting myself to publishing more of my informal writings in hopes of helping or inspiring someone out there. But I put emphasis on informal. I’m going to be posting my raw, unfiltered journal entries here on the blog. These writings are much less crafted, and much more personal.
I plan on returning to my usual cadence of writing every three days, but may extend that to weekly. This means that there will soon be more regular content on here. In fact, through such informality, you could say I’m returning to “traditional” blogging. Anyway, I think this is a worthy experiment. Hopefully some soul will benefit from my ramblings.
A side note: I am working intermittently on messy primer to the metaphysics of my worldview, tentatively titled Lux et Veritas. It has taken a long while, but the end is in sight. It’s pretty much an amalgamation of preexisting ideas that I feel are intuitively cohesive. Nothing truly inventive, but necessary to pass on. Authenticity exists, even if originality does not.