A New Attempt

I thought I had given up on journaling after an absence of over one month. But today I was compelled to recommit myself. Partially, I was inspired by a very good friend who recently made a comeback in her ambitions. But I was also motivated by my own failings.

The possibility of alchemizing my pain and fears into something creative or spiritually fulfilling has always been a desire of mine. You could say that this is one instance where I am making a concerted attempt. But what are these “failings,” you ask?

Simply put, my existential indecision, or my inability to resolutely choose a direction for my life. I’ve been stuck in a purgatory between all the choices I envision myself making. This could be a decision to boldly throw my energy into creative endeavors such as writing. Or it could be something as simple as just tightening my belt and getting a job.

You see, I am eternally torn between the path I feel I should take versus the misty and dim desires of my heart. Melodrama aside, the friction is real. But the conflict resides entirely within my head. The nonexistent external pressure I perceive is simply a projection of my own fears. Overall, this has led to a sort of paralysis in my professional and social life.

I’m not where I feel I should be, despite bravely giving therapy a second chance and returning to school after five years. The fact that I’m 25 years of age and still living in my mom’s basement is a serious confidence killer. And it doesn’t help that my ever-developing spiritual insights are seemingly totally at odds with everything society represents.

But alas, this is the hand I’ve been dealt. I obviously live a very privileged life if my biggest stressors are abstract existential dilemmas. You would be right in saying that I just need to DO something or HELP someone. I firmly believe that with great privilege comes great responsibility, and this is the North Star I’ve been increasingly pursuing.

With that thought in mind, I am recommitting myself to publishing more of my informal writings in hopes of helping or inspiring someone out there. But I put emphasis on informal. I’m going to be posting my raw, unfiltered journal entries here on the blog. These writings are much less crafted, and much more personal.

I plan on returning to my usual cadence of writing every three days, but may extend that to weekly. This means that there will soon be more regular content on here. In fact, through such informality, you could say I’m returning to “traditional” blogging. Anyway, I think this is a worthy experiment. Hopefully some soul will benefit from my ramblings.

A side note: I am working intermittently on messy primer to the metaphysics of my worldview, tentatively titled Lux et Veritas. It has taken a long while, but the end is in sight. It’s pretty much an amalgamation of preexisting ideas that I feel are intuitively cohesive. Nothing truly inventive, but necessary to pass on. Authenticity exists, even if originality does not.

2020

The title of this post. Enough said.

In actuality, there are not enough words in all the tongues of the ages to describe the complexity of our collective experience this past year. We’ve witnessed a pandemic of globally disruptive proportions, political polarization, a hastening of economic stratification, and an overall fragmentation of social cohesion. The seeds of doubt and confusion have long been sown in the dirt of our society, but this year they sprouted. I am no prophet, but I foresee a spiritual reckoning on the horizon.

I am not going to explain my understanding of the fundamental dynamics concerning recent events. A large aspect of these circumstances involves cyclical patterns of civilization and consciousness that exist far outside our sphere of personal control. There is a “wave function” to the progression of this discord that naturally rises and falls. And we are all along for the ride. But alas, I am not here to elaborate on the metaphysical nature of reality. I will save that for a later dissection. I am here now to give a simple update on my life.

I feel guilty for saying that Covid has been a blessing in some ways. While the social disruption this year has made it harder for many to carry on with their productive lifestyles, it has enabled me to resume my academic career and integrate spirituality more consistently. The availability of online classes and normalization of social distancing has been a godsend. Serial misanthropes unite! (But six feet apart, for heaven’s sake)

My hiatus from social media has also been rather therapeutic. The Facebooks, Instagrams, and Twitters of the world play a role in hastening our polarization and subsequent fragmentation. I have not been entirely cut off from the pulse of the world, however. The shift in the zeitgeist or collective mood is palpable to even the most isolated of hermits, such as myself. In fact, I find it necessary to stay clear of the opinionated chatter to see the bigger picture more clearly. There are too many narrow outlooks and unexamined sentiments being propagated. People feel the unwarranted need to defend themselves against thoughtless and oversimplified opinions condensed in 280 characters. It’s easy to get lost in the muck.

As the year finally comes to a close, I look back appreciatively on the many realizations I have been gifted by the universe. While immersed in syncretistic research on Hindu cosmology, solar cycles, and cliodynamics, I’ve rediscovered my appreciation for the smaller details of truth and wellness. Characteristics such as kindness, compassion, and detachment. My heart has ever been influenced by Buddhism and original Theosophical teachings, and I now find myself a regular practitioner. It’s the nature of depression and anxiety to be frustrated by the lack of ability to control your own emotions. But meditation helps you accept the rhythms of your feelings with grace and also, with time and persistence, to balance them.

I plan on posting a multitude of mini-essays written for class this past semester. The topics range widely, but they are all sociologically relevant. A few of the issues discussed are races I normally choose not to have a horse in, but nevertheless obliged with a loosely held opinion. I will probably share links on Twitter, despite my healthy distance from that place. I hope you find some of these topics interesting! There might also be an update on the podcast front soon. Ideas have been stirring, and plans are brewing. We shall see what that entails.

A reminder to everyone that there is never such a thing as too much love or compassion. Even a misanthrope can abide by that. The only way to reestablish unity is by first embodying a greater degree of agreeableness within your own heart. We are all just trying to do our best, and we are each still ignorant in our own way. Have mercy on all sentient beings, including those whose opinions are diametrically opposed to your own. Sit down, and drink some tea.

An Update

The date in the corner of my computer reads Thursday, November 10, 2016. Within my own reality, most days seem to blur together. However, today marks an incongruous occasion. I am momentarily obliged to pierce the shroud of obscurity woven over my general livelihood. For those inquiring:

I am fine. Life is good. Things are happening.

These days I have taken to valuing my privacy over any desire to make a social statement or engage in discourse. In part, this has been a beautifully liberating experience. There is much to learn upon turning inwards and engaging with your own conscience and spirit. Introspection is something society could use a little more of, in my opinion. But I digress. This mentality has also been a hindrance to my natural characteristic of creative expression.

Looking forward, my hope is to change this. I must learn to balance the privacy and solitude I hold so dear with healthy and artful expression. Furthermore, I have tentative plans to take up the mantle of book reviewing once again. Muse Manifesto would be my medium for doing so, of course, and it would be lovely to grow the viewership of this site further. This is not a promise I am making, but a simple goal that would be nice to achieve.

So hopefully this will once more become a place my voice can be heard regularly, or at least close to it. But only with the softness of a gentle breeze caressing one’s face. I have no intention to be overtly loud or intrusive with my musings. I just want to talk about the books I love and maybe some inspirational tidbits about their authors. Nevertheless, it would be entirely within my nature to fall back on this promise and engage in dialogue a bit more philosophical. Ahh well… When the soul speaks loudly enough, one must write.

To those once close, but since relegated to the fringes of my life, I am sorry. I still wonder about you all, those beautiful souls who have inspired me so. You continue to be the foundation of who I am.

Thank you.