Destiny and True Will

Recently, I’ve had an interesting insight that I decided to formulate into a blog post. Much of this has been inspired by my foray into the study of alchemy, hermeticism, and the misunderstood works of Aleister Crowley. I recognize that I have only poked a toe down this rabbit hole, but my mind has been swimming with ideas and concepts. Amidst the chaos of the current “coronapocalypse,” I find it more necessary than ever to relieve my mind of its excess wanderings.

I have begun to discover a possible reconciliation between the existential debate of free will versus predetermined fate. Our “destiny” is ultimately our “truest Will” or the innermost desire of our spirit. However, that Will is buried in our unconscious mind and often obscured by motivations of lesser integrity.

Everything is a matter of choice. The individual decisions we make in every moment determine what our futures will hold. They weave the fabric of the ultimate outcome of our lives. But too often than not, we don’t truly know or understand what our deepest Will is. We are confused and conflicted by different paths, and we haven’t yet acquired the necessary self-knowledge to perceive it. “Know thyself” is the highest maxim to aspire to. Only then can we “will” our destiny into being.

Simply put, our destiny is what we want most in life. However, as most of us realize, that can be a difficult thing to figure out. It’s already in our hearts, but buried beneath a layer of clutter and contradictions that results in confusion. We are slaves to our mind and the conflict within it. That pure, conscious force is perpetually obscured. The root of this conflict lies in the unconscious, and it necessitates a great degree of self-work and introspection to uncover. This is ultimately the work of a lifetime. The great work, as some call it. Once we have developed awareness of our true Will, the path forward in life is revealed.

During my long-term spiritual inquiry, I have come across two prevailing or generalized theories about the “Self.” Either it is an illusion, or it is the only true thing that exists. In my opinion, this paradox itself is an illusion. Both perspectives of the Self are merely different ways of interpreting the same universal truth. What we recognize as our Self or the conscious force of Will in our hearts is the same force as in others. It all flows from the same source. It becomes individualized within our singular human experience but is still rooted in a common origin.

I realize that for most of my life, I have never really known what I truly wanted. However, I did not connect that to the deeper conflict of the Self or Will. Finding inspiration or passion has always felt like a fruitless pursuit. I am often paralyzed by the endless possibilities and paths I can envision. Imagining myself finding happiness down any number if those paths is easy, but there is a difference between desiring the “idea” of something and desiring what it actually is. Bridging the ideal with the reality is a way to determine if it’s really something you want.

In many ways, my life’s work is oriented in the opposite direction of others. Most are born and develop a familiarity with their Self (albeit not the deep level where their true Will resides) before their greater perception of life’s interrelatedness. It takes a lifetime to see beyond their own individual experiences and witness the “whole” or the totality. But I feel as if my own development has been the opposite. For my entire life, it has been normal to feel a sense of depersonalization, because I developed my perception of the “whole” at a very young age. My sense of Self is lacking, and individualization is what I need to work toward throughout this lifetime.

Despite the tall task of looking inwards, I don’t feel as lost knowing that the answer to my destiny lies within me. At least I know which direction to look, which is something I lacked by searching for answers outside my own heart. It’s interesting to realize that so much of who I am is determined by who I want to be on a fundamental level. It’s even more interesting to realize that this deeper level can be so far out of the light of my conscious mind.

The moral of this story is that destiny isn’t something external to figure out. It is simply a matter of what we want most, however that can make it even more difficult to uncover. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we are following our hearts, while our unconscious mind really knows that we are not. We will never truly be happy in this conflicted state. Know thyself, and the path toward fulfilling your destiny will be revealed.

Journaling Update

Back in February I wrote a post detailing my plans to take up the arduous yet cathartic task of journaling. I am here to say that for the most part, this goal has been met with success. Sure, there were some missed days and uncompleted entries. But this was something I kept at in hopes of instilling discipline and a better state of flow in my life. I was surprised to discover that once my pen hit paper (or in this case pencil hit iPad), I enjoyed the process immensely. Knowing that I would be my own audience gave me an unbridled sense of freedom. There are things I etched down in journals that I never would have had the courage to blog about.

So here I am to say that this is an endeavor I am going to keep up, making it a permanent ritual in my life. Journaling has helped me dispel many of the half-baked musings and anxieties that haunt my mind at the end of each day. Everything in my head is nebulous—an interconnected web that solidifies near my point of focus and fades away into ambiguity at the periphery. This area of inexactness is what causes the greatest source of stress in my life. Having a regular outlet to pen down this junk gives me focus and perspective. Really, it’s a tool that I wholeheartedly recommend to everyone, but especially those with a chaotic mind such as mine.

All of the magic happens on my iPad with a trusty Apple Pencil. In the beginning I considered using an old-fashioned composition notebook to scrawl my scratchings. There is nothing more grounding and conducive to the ever elusive “flow state” than hand writing your notes. And the tangibility of a notebook devoted to a single purpose has its charm. Yet I am an ardent lover of convenient and intuitive technology, so my iPad is now fulfilling an unforeseen destiny. My journals are cloud synced, locked by facial recognition, and ready to peruse at a moment’s notice on ALL of my devices. Not that I do so, of course, which leads to my next point.

I generally don’t like looking back on my past journals. This flies in the face of my expectations, which were conditioned by my love for rereading old blog entries. But what I decide to pen down at the end of each day, for my own eyes, is an altogether different beast than the articles I craft for an audience. The words are rougher, the ideas rawer, and my integrity fully intact. I am not presenting myself, if you will. I have true freedom to be as messy, honest, and insecure as I please. Such is the beauty of having a personal journal. But generally speaking, looking back reopens a can of worms that I have already sealed shut. There is no need to stuff back into my head the anxieties I have already dispelled. This brings to mind an image of Dumbledore pulling strands of memory out of his head and into his pensieve.

This does not mean I find looking back totally useless. I have a plan at the end of each year to read through all of my entries. I can see how much I’ve grown and changed throughout the months. It’s hard to imagine a better way to get this kind of perspective. The second part of my plan is to write a “year in review” post detailing my highlights and conclusions. And finally, I will permanently delete all of my journals to make a fresh start for the new year. Out with the old, and in with the new. I am always looking for a new self-improvement project. This little experiment has turned into something I wish to make a solid fixture in my life. Healthy habits and rituals are a proper step in getting back on my feet and climbing out of this pit of purposelessness.

Forgotten

I’ve always found it intriguing how a single perspective can become the dominate way of viewing reality. No matter how flawed the outlook, we can become blinded. Eventually we become puppets to the vision, and we lose sight of any alternative. The possibility of stepping back and seeing the bigger picture becomes null.

Every kernel of time harbors an infinite amount of possibilities and events. Each second bears witness to the indefinite and the undefinable. We often forget here on Earth that our lives and experiences only comprise an infinitesimally small fraction of the totality.

Time is relative. The reality in which our consciousness resides is certainly not the bigger picture. It is an extremely limited viewpoint that forms the basis of all suffering. It is a rampant addiction to personalizing all of the pain we endure in life. If such a perspective becomes ingrained at an early age, is there any means of transcendence?

There are moments when something akin to an epiphany intrudes upon the cacophony of our flawed reality. There are moments when we are overcome by an intuition or inspiration that renders our critical conscience useless. We become vessels of the deepest creative powers. These moments constitute true beauty. The incessant drone of that voice in our heads is halted, even if it is only for a moment. Within that single second, the truth becomes apparent. The empty expanse of the page behind the text is revealed.

We perceive ourselves in these momentary glimpses, but is is inherently not our Self that we encounter. We are encountering the crystal depths below the surface of a turbulent sea. This epiphany opens our hearts and minds to the undefinable depths that constitute our true being.

In that single second we see the bigger picture. We understand the futility of maintaining our flawed perspective. In that single blink of an eye, the truth is apparent. And like the sun obscured on a cloudy day, it’s over. And then we forget.